Ten years ago I did not want to be a homemaker. I am embarrassed to admit that I looked down at stay at home moms. They seemed lazy or lacked passion. Boy was I naive. Look at me now! I am the epitome of what I didn't want to become. A stay at home WIFE!
Ten years ago Brent came into my life and he whisked me into the wonderland of dating. He was older, had a good job, and was done with school. He took me on dates, bought this poor college student's groceries, and we did things like spend New Year's Eve at the ballet in San Francisco. It was a bit of dream land for awhile.
As time passed and things got more serious we started talking about the future. For me, all I could see was my nose deep in books, as I finished my last two years of college. He talked about providing for a family and marrying a wife who was able to be at home with their kids. This seemed like a whole new concept to me. I was going to school so I could make a difference in the lives of children. I wanted to teach and I was driven. Having this conversation was hard and one that the future of our relationship together was barely standing up on.
I cannot tell you exactly where the turning point was but at some point I opened my eyes to the idea of something else. I considered a way of living that I did not know and started seeing the benefits of changing my life plan.
The thing is I am currently living a life I never aspired after. Sure I had dreams of getting married and having a home with a white picket fence. But before I met Brent I was kind of a feminist. I thought career was the definition of purpose. When in fact I was confusing it with having passion and being brave in taking risks that can really be found in various forms.
Sometimes I wonder how this stubborn and controlling young girl became the woman I am today. It was never a life I had hoped for yet it surprisingly is exactly where I am supposed to be.
What I have learned is that sometimes in life there are bigger plans than we are even able to imagine. It was in very clearly saying no to a few things that ended up being exactly the life I was to live. I think sometimes we stifle our own dreams with our grand life plans and goals.
I love being a wife and I love being at home. But there are some days where I crave more. I become discontent and dream up big ideas. The thing is many of these dreams are conditional. They are based on a current mood or something I recently read online. They do not come from a place of peace or contentment.
I know that sometimes we have to go through rough situations to motivate us in the direction we are to go. But something I have learned in pursuing a simpler life is that many of these urgencies on my heart come from outside pressure. They do not come from a focused and balanced mind or a heart that has the intentions of my family first.
I currently feel like my life is being put on pause. I am trying to get through a few commitments I am locked into. Besides that I am being told to wait. I feel it on my heart to be patient. That there is something better ahead worth waiting for. It is painful and hard but I must be obedient in waiting.
The only time I have felt this way before? When I was waiting for Brent to be ready to marry me. It was long and it was excruciatingly hard. But I loved him so much and knew in my heart we were right. So I waited even when others believed I needed to move on with my life.
Sometimes we have to move. Sometimes we have to press pause. As one who likes to jump, I am learning that I am less likely to regret taking things slowly. This is not the case for everyone but this is my calling of patience and trust.
Waiting for Brent has been one of life's greatest lessons, tests, and painful joys. I am so grateful I was open to something else for my life that took time, dedication, and waiting.
So today I wait for what is ahead. I remind myself that endurance will pay off. I will not run into something new out of boredom or impatience. Instead I will put in the time to reap the gifts of a life I have yet to even imagine.
I had this verse taped inside of my Bible for years. For waiting on my future husband and the idea of Brent. Today I grab hold of it's truth, living proof that some things are worth the wait.
Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord.
Psalm 27:14
And when we got married...this is the verse we put on our invitations:
A longing fulfilled is sweet to the soul.
Proverbs 13:19
So wait and long I will do because I believe the sweetness for my soul is just around the corner.
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