Weaning off of breastfeeding with my third was one of the most emotional for me.
With my first it was hard but because of some minor health concerns, our pediatrician encouraged me to continue breastfeeding if I was willing for about a month longer than I had planned. Sure I read some weaning articles online and maybe cried about it! But when it was time, I was ready.
Our second was our daughter and she is a little independent woman! She was grabbing me and bossing me around as she does and I was ready to be done! But with my third, it was different.
I had spent months pumping in between each feeding to help him gain more weight. It was an exhausting journey feeling like a 24/7 feeding machine on top of having two other children to care for. But we eventually decided we would try for a fourth child and I knew I wanted some time to have my body to myself. So I chose to look at the big picture and wean when I felt like it was time. But had I not been on the pregnancy clock, I think I would have gone a little longer.
And with my fourth, the time felt right and it just happened. I breastfed them all for about a year and yet all the experiences were different.
So with my third, I wrote this little reflection that I have kept close to my heart almost three years later. No one knew we would be trying for a fourth (except my mom's group friends who were trying to give me advice about not weaning if I was sad!).
Here is my reflection - I still remember sitting on our nursery couch with my son thinking all these thoughts.
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Tonight I didn’t nurse before bed as we near a close of our breastfeeding journey. He cried for only a minute before falling fast asleep.
I don’t want to end this journey but it feels like it’s time. He’s getting so big and loving food. Plus with the hopes of adding one more member to our family, I know that closing this door will help me prepare for the future. Having a little time to myself is important. That window between weaning and getting pregnant is when I most feel like myself again. Especially as I see my older two grow, this one truly feels like the baby. It’s always hard to watch my babies grow up. But it is inevitable. So I squeeze them tight and make the most of these days.
As I consider my sense of self and time to myself, I know it’s important. But for the first time I feel more a part of my children than I ever have before. Realizing that feeling like my old self is great but seeing that my current self is pretty great too. Because even though my body doesn’t feel like my own, these little babies of mine are a part of me. I wouldn’t trade them for my old self ever.
So as I move forward in a little mommy freedom - giving a little more energy into myself as well as my marriage, I mourn the changing of seasons. But I celebrate what a beautiful one it has been.
All the pumping, middle of the night feedings, lactation cookies, and what not. I made it another year of feeding my baby.
How lucky I am to have simply had this beautiful experience.
April 19, 2022 // 12 months and one morning feed left to wean
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Last feed: April 24, 2022
We got up early to pick up Brent from the airport and it seemed like a good time to do our last feeding. With travel plans next week and a quiet morning to ourselves, I woke up my sweet boy and settled in with him on the loveseat in his room.
He got excited to sit down with me. As I watched my sweet baby nurse, his little hands tapped me. One leg bounced up and down. The simple joy of being close to mama. It warmed my heart.
Most of our morning feedings are busy. Getting ready for preschool or hollering at the other kids what they can have for breakfast. It was a rare one last quiet morning together as I accept my sweet little baby is growing up.
He rarely will just lay in my arms so I savor this moment. Content. Happy. Present. All those feedings this past year - this very moment is my reward.
To be in the moment and cherish this bond we have made. I know we will both be okay. And prolonging the process only delays these emotions.
It is the bittersweet emotions of being a mother. To love that little one so much that each growing day feels like a grieving process. That I will never get these moments back. But to accept that we also move forward.
So as we close a chapter, we enter into a new one. It will be just as sweet but in new ways. I love my busy baby but it’s time to start embracing that he is growing up.
Breastfeeding journey: 12 months, 16 days
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