I recently stumbled across some old posts of mine and they were about my struggle with letting myself be a stay at home wife. If you want to catch up with them, most of them can be found here.
What I found so interesting is that while so much has changed, who I am deep down inside hasn't changed that much. I often feel like my posts are too heavy. I wonder if I don't filter them enough with pretty pictures of my home. But when I look back at those posts...those days of substitute teaching...oh those days...I remember how hard it was for me to get to where I am now. Yet I would not be where I am today if it wasn't for those words. Being able to process the person I want to be is a huge part of becoming that person.
My struggles are different these days. I am at home and there are no questions about it. But I still struggle. I struggle with productivity. I pressure myself to not waste these years I have at home by myself. I tell myself I am not the housewife I used to be. I forget how heavy my heart was then because it still feels heavy today but in different ways.
Sometimes I feel bad for feeling heavy but I think this heaviness is a reminder that I have a choice in the way I live. When I am not distracted and selfish, my heart is light. I have experienced it and so when life gets out of balance, I sense the heaviness. I know a lot of this stems from guilt and legalism I put on myself that I am currently working through but at the same time it is a reminder that I do know what it feels like to be free.
I suppose what I am trying to say is that when that day comes that I have my first child, I want to look back at this season fondly. Like how I looked back today at those days that I subbed. Behind those words were stress and often sadness. But when I read them today they are stories of redemption and freedom. That fighting for the life I wanted was worth the struggle.
