Today is one of those days where I just need to ramble. The past few weeks have been challenging as I come to the realization that summer is coming to an end. I have been having a lot of highs and lows coping with the change in routine. While I look forward to the cooler weather and a predictable schedule, I am having a hard time going into it knowing what summer Ashley is like.
I have dealt with these feelings before - with the change of seasons, an end or beginning to a new commitment, and when we come home from vacation. But this time around it is has been a lot harder and surprisingly very emotional. I crave less and feel discontent until I can find it.
I purged my house this summer after reading The Life Changing Magic of Tidying Up. I didn't even know what the book was about when I started reading it. It in fact was life changing. I plan to blog about it but if my Paris posts are any inclination of how quickly I am busting out posts these days, it might be awhile!
But I believe that I as I have less stuff consume me each day, I am being hit with the reality of the nature of my heart and all the deep issues that come with it. I used to be distracted by the day to day tidying that I did not have the time to be reflective or quiet. So as I finally grasp that time that I desired away from taking care of things, I am doing some deep soul searching. It is wonderful but hard. Draining most definitely.
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I am turning 31 on Saturday and it has left me feeling out of the ordinary. I am not sad about turning another year older. Maybe just reflective.
I had to go into the DMV to renew my driver's license this week which included getting a new picture taken. I was pretty sad and surprisingly anxious about this. My last photo was taken at age 25. I had just gotten back from our honeymoon in Cancun and needed to change my last name. I was super tan, in the best shape of my life, and floating on a cloud of being a newlywed. Having to go back into the DMV felt like I was competing with my 25 year old self.
I went in with full makeup and hair, something I rarely do. It was a weird insecurity that I have never experienced before of comparing to my younger self. Again, not sad or mad about it, just a season of accepting the aging process.
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I am thinking of quitting something because it has gotten to a point of weariness. It is one of those things that I don't want to let go of but I am starting to feel like I should. It is not quite what I thought it would be and as the years go on it just seems to get harder.
Unrelated but related, I recently decided to stop seeking after paid blog opportunities. The blogosphere is growing fast and it is hard to compete. I believe I also hit my peak with blogging last summer as it pertains to making money. I grew tired of applying for campaigns that I never got chosen for. So I have just stopped applying.
It has been good for me to step back a little and reevaluate this space. I desire to continue to blog but letting go of any pressure to make money from it has been a freeing process. It is definitely a humbling experience to work harder but make less money. But it is something I believe needed to happen for me to let go. It is kind of like with the tidying of my home. I am craving less in my life so that I can be more and this is one area that needs to be cut back.
My hope is that I will be more brave and thoughtful with what I post here. That I can let go of reaching the masses and instead focus on the few. I believe I can be more influential and it will give me a greater sense of purpose. I hope that this will be a good change all around that will even challenge me to spend less money.
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So that is all I have to say on these last days of my 30th year. I still have so much to learn and see my life continuing to be shaped each day. Nothing is ever really for sure and so I go into this upcoming year knowing that.
I am not quite out of whatever growing pains I am going through. But as I endure the hard I know that the fruit from it is just around the corner. I look forward to seeing how life pans out in the coming months from the pruning I currently am enduring.
It's going to be good and I am excited. 25 was pretty great but I think 31 is going to pleasantly surprise me.
