Today

Today I spent my morning reading articles on worry and anxiety.  I stumbled upon encouraging thoughts that lead me down the path to some truths I needed to hear.

The thing is, I have been dealing with depression again (off and on).  This move has been hard on me and my husband's new job has been very demanding.  I have made some good progress at acknowledging how I was feeling and healthy habits I have learned to cope with them but even still I couldn't completely shake the gloom.

For the past few months I have been blaming this move and job change for my feelings of sadness.  Yet after some reading this morning I realized that though this move has controlled some of my happiness, it is actually a lot of ongoing pressures that I have had in my life for years that is eating away at me.

I am extra sensitive right now.  So every little thing that hurts my feelings, makes me anxious, or questions an aspect of myself seems to be intensified.  I feel so weak in my abilities, question my every word, and have lost so much of the confidence I once had.  I cave into weaknesses - isolating myself so I don't get hurt, eating so I don't have to feel my feelings, and zoning out instead of choosing to find the strength to be productive. 

I have about twenty drafts of blog posts that I just can't get myself to publish.  I sit in front of my computer wanting to find my voice, to have a purpose, and to articulate my thoughts in a clear and hopefully beneficial way. 

But instead I just save it for later.  Walking away.  Feeling like I wasted my time and that I have nothing to offer. 

After my little bit of "research" this morning, I have a feeling that a lot of my insecurities, fears, and anxieties are heightened when I spend too much time on social media.  So I will be doing a little digital detox to figure out a better balance.

I hope to throw it back to some old but good habits I used to have: reading books, journaling, working on small creative projects that I can take places with me, and hopefully building back the confidence I had to actually publish some of those blog posts I write. 

My heart and mind need a space to breathe.  So this is a step for me in the right direction.

I crave a smaller community - but a more intimate one.  And I hope to find that through real and authentic relationships.

Other Resources on Depression, Anxiety, and Social Media:

What I'm Reminding Myself This Morning by Allison Fallon
Depression, Creativity and the Dangers of Being Constantly Plugged In by Allison Fallon
How to Overcome Fear, Anxiety and Worry, Billy Graham Evangelistic Association
The Cause and Cure for Worry by Joyce Meyer