In the fall I took about three months off of Instagram. I posted to a private personal account that only had a few friends. I used it to document our son’s weekly and monthly photos. And yet even in that small space I still was left unsatisfied.
Overtime
I learned that I have relied too much on the validation of others to
feel good about myself. That the years of sharing my ideas, thoughts,
home, and whatever else, was done in a way that was fueled by stranger’s
feedback. In the beginning years of blogging, it really helped me to cultivate a
confidence as it pertained to making a home, prioritizing my marriage,
and simply as a creative person.
It
was in befriending like-minded people from around the world that helped
me find security in living in a way that felt counter culture. But over
time it became something else. An addiction or habit in sharing my life
online that slowly shifted how I thought about myself and my
creativity. I now needed the approval of others to continue in the
security that was first found online. It became a never ending circle of
desire for praise.
After
three months I came back. I had a different mindset but yet still found
myself quickly being sucked in again. I continued to read, journal, and
sift through these mixed feelings. And I continued to come back to the
same thought. Could I be better without?
Is there something better? A
quieter life?
I
am beginning to believe that I am better off without the constant hum
of comparison. And I believe I am not the only one who feels this way. There is no question that we understand that social media can be toxic. Yet it keeps pulling me back.
So I continue to think and step away. Read more, scroll less. Be more present with my family. There is no perfect solution. But instead there is mindfulness. And so I move forward having a better understanding that too much can be unhealthy for me.
I still post and keep up with my friends and a few favorite accounts. And as my husband advised me, "just post it!" So I am trying to not overthink it too much.
But I am learning that relationships best bloom outside of my phone. That time with my children is better cultivated when I can give my full attention. And that feeling good about myself is found in daily rhythms of gratitude for the simple things right in front of me.
