I turned forty last month and this milestone birthday came with a lot of mixed feelings. It felt like it needed to be a big celebration but I just couldn't muster up the time or energy to put anything together.
A big party sounded like a lot. And 40 things before 40 sounded like I was a decade too late.
While our baby girl is getting older and easier, the reality is that I still have a baby. As I already shared, this summer was a lot for me, having all my four kids at home. This season I am in, with young children, is a lot.
But it is also right where I want to be. I want to be present and attentive to them. I want to make memories even if it is just in our own backyard. It is not something I want to wish away. I just don't have time for anything else.
The thought of anything more in this very busy and exhausting chapter of my life sounded very overwhelming. So I told Brent I didn't want to do anything big. No party. No big trip. Just another birthday which would still include gifts, cake, and doing something fun. But nothing out of the ordinary.
And my kind and thoughtful husband, who I never let surprise me, planned to have my closest friend from high school come for a visit. She would spend the weekend with us and we would have a girl's weekend at a local hotel.
Even when he finally told me about it and pulled me in to some of the planning process, I had a crying meltdown because some of the decision making just felt like too much.
We ended up having a wonderful time, reconnecting with my friend, getting pampered, and simply getting away from my everyday to relax and rejuvenate. We talked through the woes of getting older, the complications of friendships after kids, and laughed and acted ridiculously much like we were in high school all over again.
I don't think I have ever felt bad about aging. But I think forty seemed so far away. With a baby and toddler in hand, I still think I am who I was five years ago. And yet my hormones are still crazy, I have many postpartum ailments that are improving but are still present, and am simply just tired most of the time.
It is a busy season of life I am in. I am so grateful for Brent, for seeing me in the midst of my chaos and literal brain fogs. To choose to celebrate me in a way that served me in my tiredness. For that, I will forever have special memories of this milestone birthday after all.
I believe there are so many good days ahead. When I get a little extra sleep or have some caffeine, it is like I can see the light just a little bit. But for now, I am savoring these simpler days. So here is to 40...a new decade ahead. I look forward to the many good things that are yet to come.
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